BottleOfBlog

Some People Have No Sense Of Humor

NEW YORK (AP) -- The mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears says Jamie Lynn told her she was pregnant in a note.

Lynne Spears said on NBC's "Today" show Wednesday that Jamie Lynn -- 16 years old at the time -- handed her the note and told her to go into the bedroom and read it.

The note said she was pregnant but "everything was gonna be OK, mom" and that she and boyfriend Casey Aldridge were going to raise the baby.

"I thought it was a joke," Spears said in an interview. "... I kept waiting for the punch line."

Spears said she realized it wasn't a joke because Aldridge, a pipe-layer from Liberty, Mississippi, wouldn't look at her.

That's not a joke???

The guy was a pipe-layer! That's a great joke!

I mean, it's a lot of work to pull it off. And now they have to, you know, raise a child and everything--but still!

I used to think Jamie Lynn Spears was an idiot. But she's a comic genius! She makes Andy Kaufman look obvious.

History Fucks Gee Oh Pee Again

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Presidents and their wives have been an amorous lot, their White House years coming at the pinnacle of lives entwined. The men pursued and loved these women as intensely as they clawed to power and unleashed armies.

"Touch you I must or I'll burst," Ronald Reagan wrote to Nancy three years before he became California governor…

It's sweet, but pretty clunky and gross, not to mention it sounds like a horny Yoda wrote it.  Also, again, that was his second wife, the one who gave the best head in Hollywood, by all accounts.  No word on what he wrote to the wife he abandoned.

Presidents who were wild about their wives were not necessarily faithful to them -- not even close. Some wives knew it.

LBJ was a bull in the china shop when it came to women; Lady Bird once shrugged off his affairs as a "speck on a wedding cake."

Lucretia Rudolph was not so accommodating when she learned her fiance, James Garfield, had been stepping out. "James, to be an unloved wife, O Heavens," she wrote in 1857. They wed anyway; he was assassinated in 1881 just months after taking office.

Dwight D. Eisenhower, as allied commander for Europe in World War II, tried in several letters to his stateside wife, Mamie, to shoot down rumors he was involved with his driver, Kay Summersby, with whom he formed an intense friendship. "I've no emotional involvements and will have none," he told his wife.

Exchanges between one such woman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Franklin were friendly but emotionally distant. Such was the lasting result, Gawalt said, of his wife discovering FDR's affair with her social secretary Lucy Mercer 15 years before he became president…

Good Golly!  Are you trying to tell me Bill Clinton wasn't the first American president to cheat on his wife!!!  That's amazing!  Because that's what I was led to believe by Republican "pundits" and our "liberal" media for nearly a decade!

What will we tell the children?

Maybe we can put a sticker on every stupid book some right wing nut writes about Presidents identifying the contents within as only a "theory" and not necessarily the truth.

As far as I know or believe, just about every American president--maybe not Reagan, but he was like a hundred and twelve years old when he was in the White House.  Erectile dysfunction is not something to brag about--got a little on the side.  Including George Bush, Sr.! 

You don't think so?  Bush The Smarter ran about the nastiest campaign before his idiot son ran for the White House--Willy Horton ring a bell?  And he never once said anything about Bill Clinton's alleged affairs--the codeword being "character".  Hell, Bush senior went through Clinton's State Department file but he didn't mention Bill's stepping out?

You wonder why?  He was too dignified?  Puh-lease.  You got a girlfriend and everybody knows about it, you can't accuse the other guy of having a girlfriend.

And speaking of Bush The Smarter:

Another no-nonsense woman, Barbara Bush, got a treacly note from her husband, George, asking her to show more affection for the television cameras in the 1988 campaign, like their opponents, the Dukakises.

"Sweetsie," he began. "Please look at how Mike and Kitty do it. Try to be closer in more -- well er romantic -- on camera. I am practicing the loving look, and the creeping hand. Yours for better TV and more demonstrable affection. Your sweetie pie coo coo.

"Love 'ya GB."

Christ, and Republicans accused the Clintons of having a marriage of convenience.

Better Than Jaw Opening Dwarf p0rn!

Yeah, dwarf p0rn is hot.  But where's the money in it?

Subject: How many times girls dumped you because of your small dick?
Date: Wednesday, December 28, 2005 2:57 AM
From: liz.decker <[email protected]>
To: ricky

E@rn miI1i0ns w1th your new $uper-sized dick by Penis Enlarge Patch.
Get enormous, big and thick, pretty, long, amazing dick.
And Penis Enlarge Patch can do all this for you.

I can e@rn mil1i0ns w1th my new $uper-sized dick!

I'm intrigued and, yet, skeptical.  I mean, it doesn't really say how I'm going to make mil1i0ns w1th my new $uper-sized dick.

Is it modeling?  Magazines?  The internets?  Is it $uper-size dick offs at county fairs? 

I'm all in for the $uper-sized dick and everything.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not ungrateful.  I just want to know how to parlay it into the mil1ions of dollars.

Some email almost makes me not totally hate my worthless SPAM filter.  It's that good.

Jaw Opening Dwarf p0rn!

Usually, I just delete this kind of stuff.  But some things are too good to throw away:

Subject: We offer midget sex
Date: Thursday, December 8, 2005 10:26 AM
From: [email protected]
To: ricky

I've heard _all_ about you...
Nude midgets indulging in midget sex!
Never seen before nude midgets couples enjoying midget sex, midget xxx and the jaw-opening dwarf p0rn!!
http://www.geocities.com/midgettdf

Also, I'm kind of curious about what kind of Google searches will bring the curious here for this one.

That email junk filter is still working like Bush in August!

Gee Oh Pee America Now Less Progressive Than South Africa

JOHANNESBURG, Dec. 1 - South Africa's highest court ruled today that same-sex marriages enjoy the same legal status as those between men and women, effectively making the nation one of just five worldwide that have removed legal barriers to gay and lesbian unions...

But the Constitutional Court said that the refusal to give legal status to gay marriages, though grounded in common law, violated the constitution's guarantee of equal rights.

Too bad we don't have something like that here!  Maybe someday we can amend our own Constitution and add a fourteenth amendment that could say something about equal protection under the law.

Course, keeping pace with South Africa on equal protection is probably asking for too much from Republican America.  After all, the patron saint of the modern Republican party, Ronald Reagan, as well as honoring SS troopers in Bitburg , was a huge supporter of apartheid.

Which the South Africans finally found to be morally repugnant.  Though Reagan never did.

It's a proud human rights' record the modern Republican party has.  No wonder it's so believable when they shed those big tears for all those Iraqis that Saddam tortured and executed, and gassed.  When Reagan was in the White House.  Supplying Saddam with the gas.

Sorry, but the modern Republican party, the party of Reagan and Bush and Bush is the laughing stock of the civilized world.  They don't give a shit about people.  It's appalling that they keep pretending they do.

The Fastest Ducks In Mexico

Horny.

MONTERREY, Mexico (Reuters) - Keepers of a small menagerie at a Mexican park are looking for a mate for a lovesick giraffe after the 15-foot-tall beast tried to make love to a tree and a garden shed...

"He's driving us crazy," Juan Aragones told Reuters in a telephone interview. "He's mounted a tree, a fence and even a shed."

Aragones said Central Park had begun contacting animal dealers in Mexico to find a mate for Modesto, who was born in captivity and has lived alone at the recreational park for three years. He has never had a sexual partner.

The park is home only to Modesto and a few ducks.

He humped a shed.  Christ, he reminds me of my old room mate from college.

How nervous do you think those ducks are?

Breeding Boys Cause Girl Frenzy!

BROOKLYN CENTER, Minnesota (AP) -- Police shut down a suburban shopping mall for several hours Saturday after screaming fans of the boy band B5 rushed the stage during a free concert.

Five people suffered minor injuries, police said.

More than 2,000 fans, mostly teenage girls, converged on Brookdale Center mall for the show, sponsored by the local Radio Disney station, KDIZ-AM. The band had only begun the second song when the chaos broke out and girls began rushing the stage.

"It just seemed like a girl frenzy," said Christopher Taykalo of Radio Disney. "A lot of young teenage girls who were trying to get close to their artists that they are huge fans of."

Seventy officers from 23 area communities responded the chaos. It took about 15 minutes for them to get the crowd under control and another 30 minutes to clear out the mall. The mall reopened later Saturday evening.

"I've never seen anything like it in my life," Jennifer Fullbright, 49, of Cottage Grove, told the Star Tribune of Minneapolis. She took her daughter and her daughter's friend to see the band.

B5 is a group of five brothers from Atlanta -- Dustin, Patrick, Kelly, Bryan and Carnell Breeding -- ages 10 to 17.

It's stupid.  But it's funny.

Nothing Cures The Monkey Pox

Like a cat up your butt...

My good friend, Elisson, going right to the good Doktor hisself on my behalf.

I'm touched.  And thankful.  Though, also...I don't want a dead cat up my butt.

Also, Ellison, I gotta say--those are fucking saaaaaweet jackets!  Where are your beanies?

The Mouse That Moaned

My good friend, Donna, has a funny post which originated with that celebrated star of the spanking cinema, Cookie Christine.

Dawn says she got her porn name (Cookie Christine), which she uses as a screen name by putting together 1st pet, 1st street. So of course I thought "What's my porn name?" Turns out it's Tuffer Barnes. Sounds a little gay porn to me so when my porn career starts I might go with 2nd pet and choose Pokey Barnes. What's your porn name?

Mine is Bismark Sylvania.  Which, I thought, sounded like the anti-hero in a pornographic vampire movie.  Or maybe a sailor in some kind of unspeakable German fetish production.

Though, actually "Bismark" was not really my first pet.  I think my first pet was a mouse named American Bigshot.  He developed a horrendous tumor on his back and miraculously disappeared overnight.

But now that I think about it, American Bigshot has porn potential...but it sounds kind of, you know, boastful...

When Life Hands You Lemons, Put Razor Blades In Them And Then Chew Them Thoroughly And With Great Force

More action on the sad, sorry P.E. front:

STEVENS, Pa. - A man allegedly unhappy with penile-enlargement surgery he underwent mailed explosives to a Chicago plastic surgeon, according to a federal grand jury indictment.

Blake R. Steidler, 24, allegedly made an explosive device that included a model-rocket engine igniter inside a jewelry box, the federal indictment said.

Steidler drove to North Bloomfield, Ohio, on Feb. 10 and mailed the box, but then drive home to Lancaster County, called 911, and turned himself in, according to the indictment.

I'm sorry to laugh, but can anyone even imagine taking a bad situation and making it this much worse?

I mean, first the guy has a penis that's so small he feels like he has to have surgery to make it bigger.  Not his fault. 

Then, he gets the surgery and has a bad result, so now he not only has a small penis but it's probably weird and lumpy looking.  Plus, it's now not only embarrassingly small, weird, and lumpy, but it's expensive, too!

Okay, so that's pretty bad.  It's gone from bad to worse.

Then, he parleys his small, weird, lumpy expensive penis into a fucking felony crime and a lengthy prison sentence!

Hey, Sisyphus, really rolling now!

But the kicker is:  where once, before any of this started, he just had a private source of embarrassment, now, never mind the medical and legal bills, and the lengthy--sorry!--prison time,  the goddam newspapers just printed--for all his friends, neighbors, co-workers, family, and the entire world to see--that he has a really small penis.

Which is, frankly, the kind of revelation he probably got the surgery in the first place to avoid.

Christ, I'm surprised that when the Feds finally stuck him in the tank, a fucking shark didn't leap out of his seatless toilet and bite him in the crotch.