BottleOfBlog

Rumors of My Death Are Pretty Much On The Money

I got an email today, up in Heaven, where I got to go even though I'm a shameless heathen because God was so pleased with me for divining His will as early as late 2001 that all His creations should heap scorn and foul language upon George W. Bush and denounce him as a fraud, and a criminal, and an incompetent bumbling loser.

And God hates a loser.  Go read the Old Testament, if you don't believe me.  He fucking pummeled losers all through it.

Anyway, up in Heaven, I got this email, again, asking me where I've been.  Which is very nice.  

But the sad truth is:  I'm dead.  I died of a horrific case of Rose Bowl, which was aggravated by a recurring contract of Joe Paterno, which I had suffered from for years.

Anyway, in lieu of flowers, my family asks that you donate speedy cover corners and hard hitting safeties to the Penn State University in my memory.

Thanks.

Bah, Or We Interrupt This Election To Talk About Something Really Important

But thanks to a Big Ten conference schedule that scares no one, Penn State is almost a virtual lock to end up 11-0. Meanwhile, the best teams from the best conferences like the SEC and the Big 12 will likely beat each other up and eliminate four or five teams that are probably superior to Penn State, or anyone else from the Big Ten.
 
So even though I can think of no fewer than 10 teams from the SEC, Big 12 or Pac-10 that would be more deserving (Texas Tech, Alabama, Florida, Oklahoma State, Oklahoma, Texas, USC, LSU, Georgia and even Missouri), they will be penalized for being in a far superior conference.
 
But this is how it’s going to play out, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Another Big Ten team will have its name spit out of the computer, and it will be invited to the BCS Championship Game. And barring some hacker’s ability to create a anti-Big Ten virus for the BCS computer, Penn State will go to that national championship game with all sorts of highfalutin’ dreams, but stagger away looking like a carcass that was dipped in beef gravy and tossed into a pit bull’s den.

One, the Big Ten is soft this year. 

Two, I wish they weren't because Penn State has a really good team.  I'd rather see them challenged in a tough Big Ten than go 11-0 in a weak one.

Three, until Penn State wins it's last three games, I'm not about to say they deserve to play for the national championship.

But, if they do, they deserve to play for the national championship.

Normally, I Go Berserk Right About Now

Daryll Clark threw for a touchdown and ran for two more scores, Derrick Williams ran a punt back for a touchdown and cornerback Lydell Sargeant had two interceptions off of two quarterbacks as the Nittany Lions (7-0, 3-0 Big Ten) dismantled Wisconsin 48-7 Saturday night.

But I can't.

I just can't.

Oh, fuck it!

Rooooooooooooar, goddammit!

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!

Roar like a Lion or be gobbled up like prey!

A Post In Which My Head Explodes

In its first game against a ranked opponent (Illinois), Penn State showed exactly what the skeptics were waiting to see: An explosive spread offense with a plethora of weapons and a defense that wasn't exactly immune to big plays but produced enough turnovers (three) and key stops that the Illini couldn't close the gap. The Nittany Lions are the league's most complete team right now.

First, Jay Paterno, unlike his monstrous brother Jabba the Hut or his 700 year old father who thinks that George W. Bush is one of the greatest presidents of our time, turns out to have some real world common sense and is a big Obama supporter.

Then, he starts coaching. I mean really coaching. Hitting Williams on the wheel-route after the play action fake to Williams??? That was a thing of beauty. A joy forever. In five games, there's been maybe one groaner of a play call on offense--and considering it was a 4th and one right up the gut, Joe probably sent that one in himself(Alabama, Joe! Alabama!!!).

The rest of it has been...well, brilliant.

It has. It's not only worked, but it's been fun as hell to watch. And fun is not usually a word used to describe a Penn State offense outside of a college football bloopers montage.

And I know. There are seven more games to go. And some of those games will be on the road, where Penn State has been like 1-30 over the past ten years. And they'll be facing some much better defenses than Coastal Carolina.

But if you're going to be savage in your criticism when things are horrible, you have to be fair and honest when things go well. So stand back:

Jay's been doing a hell of a good job.

Ka-boom!

Roar Like A Lion, Joe--Roar, Goddammit!

Mark Sanchez threw four touchdown passes, Joe McKnight rushed for 105 yards on 12 carries, and the top-ranked Trojans crushed No. 5 Ohio State 35-3 Saturday night in a matchup of two of college football's most successful programs.

We'll have a new No. 1 in college football thanks to Oregon State's stunning 27-21 victory over top-ranked USC on Thursday night.

So who will it be?

Yes. Who could it be? USC destroyed and humiliated Ohio State on national television. Oregon State manhandled USC for 30 minutes--I mean, really, Oregon State was up 21 to zero at half--and managed to beat them in the end.

Now that Oregon State has defeated USC, who destroyed Ohio State, who can we possibly imagine might be the best team in college football?

I don't know. Anyone?

A Post About Etiquette

Contrary to what you may have heard, it's not only acceptable to wear white after Labor Day, it's pretty fucking awesome.

Time To Go, Joe

Never mind your horrendous 55 and 42 record--in Division I football, at Penn State--since 2000, apparently, year in and year out, about ten percent of your team is suspended for something or other:

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (AP) -- Penn State tight end Andrew Quarless was suspended indefinitely Wednesday for an unspecified violation of team rules, the sixth player suspended in the offseason.

Quarless could be the second coming of Kyle Brady. And, for some reason, he can't walk from College Avenue to Beaver Avenue without breaking six hundred unspecified team rules.

Now, I know, a college football team is made up of a bunch of young guys. And young people are stupid. And young people in college are stupid and they're drunk. So they're double stupid.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Lord knows, if there's ever a time to be drunk and stupid, it's when you're young enough to be that drunk and stupid and still be able to walk away, fully intact, from whatever it is that you've done.

But, Joe, a lot of your players aren't even doing that. They're winding up in jail.

Like Maurice Humphrey.

Some of your players--good players--are killing people.

So, if you aren't winning football games, and year in, year out, about ten percent of your team is suspended, indicted, or beating or murdering people...

It's not a failure of your Great Experiment.

It's just time for someone else to put the lab coat on.

Rather Than A Good Night's Sleep

I recommend a good fifteen hours of self-help therapy.

Roar like a lion, you magnificent bastards, or get gobbled up like prey.

Graham Spanier Addresses Fan And Alumni Concerns

Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.

Joe's Going To Tear His Playhouse Down

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. -- Ladies and gentlemen, I simply have to share with you the scene I’m witnessing here.

I’ve been in my share of loud stadiums (Florida, LSU), I’ve seen my share of pageantry (Notre Dame, Ohio State) and beautiful backdrops (Air Force). I can honestly say I’ve never experienced as much electricity in a stadium as I have these last few moments before kickoff of tonight’s Ohio State-Penn State game.

The “White Out”-ed student section was full nearly an hour before kickoff, the entire 107,000 in place by 7:45. With “The Pennsylvania State University” awning facing me and miles and miles of cars and RVs out the window behind me, with flashbulbs popping everywhere and some well-chosen tunes (from Living on A Prayer to Don’t Stop Believing -- did JoePa really approve this playlist?) pumping up the crowd, the anticipation just keeps building and building.

The scoreboard to my left currently scrawls: “Welcome to the Greatest Show in College Football,” as a Penn State highlight reel plays on the video board. And meanwhile, I’m enjoying a cup of ice cream straight from the famous Penn State Creamery here in the press box.

Now, the Nittany Lion mascot is standing at midfield leading alternating cheers from each section as the band begins to march on the field. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when actual players run on to the field.

And it's like that every time they play at home. Every time. It's the best student section, the loudest crowd, and a spectacle no other sporting event--not even the Super Bowl--comes close to matching.

Well, what did happen when the players took the field?