Rumors of My Death Are Pretty Much On The Money

I got an email today, up in Heaven, where I got to go even though I'm a shameless heathen because God was so pleased with me for divining His will as early as late 2001 that all His creations should heap scorn and foul language upon George W. Bush and denounce him as a fraud, and a criminal, and an incompetent bumbling loser.

And God hates a loser.  Go read the Old Testament, if you don't believe me.  He fucking pummeled losers all through it.

Anyway, up in Heaven, I got this email, again, asking me where I've been.  Which is very nice.  

But the sad truth is:  I'm dead.  I died of a horrific case of Rose Bowl, which was aggravated by a recurring contract of Joe Paterno, which I had suffered from for years.

Anyway, in lieu of flowers, my family asks that you donate speedy cover corners and hard hitting safeties to the Penn State University in my memory.

Thanks.

Comments

[Karen]

I'm glad to hear they have Internet up there. Can you get the Times, though? 'Cuz you would have enjoyed Frank Rich's op-ed the other day, especially this: "He is smaller than life." http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/04/opinion/04rich.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

[ricky]

We do have internet up here in Heaven and it's lightning fast with no pop-up ads. It's pretty much awesome.

The other thing we have is college football year round. Penn State fans will be happy to know that, up here, the Nittany Lions just went 53-0 for the 120th season.

Rip Engle is coach. God likes him a lot. Rip knew when to retire.

[Mendacious D]

Well, sorry to rouse you from your slumber.

But there is hope! Obama's plan to institute a nationwide playoff system will give the Nittany Lions the success they so richly deserve.

[Another shameless heathen]

...but you'll never get to see georgie stumble out of office!

Come back from your hallucinations. There are medications out there to help.

[ricky]

I don't need any medication, Ellen. I'm curing myself, just like the Preznit did with his alcoholism. And I'm doing it the same way he did it:

With alcohol.