And Then Congress Said If I Didn't Want That Bridge, I Shouldn't Have Worn So Much Lipstick Like I Was Asking For It!

Joan of Snark asks some good questions:

Permanently no longer active?

(Where did you go? Why did you leave? Your fans miss you!)

And she has a top notch name, so she deserves some good answers. Which is sad, when you think about it, because she asked these questions on my blog, so, instead of good answers, the best she can expect is answers from me.

Well, you know, I only ever started blogging because George W. Bush was and is the biggest douchebag on God's green Earth. I suspect he's responsible for very nearly every single comment that's ever been left on my blog to four year old posts. He's that dumb. He's that incompetent. And he was wrecking our country in every conceivable way a man can wreck a country--militarily, economically, diplomatically, orally, anally--and no one seemed to give a shit.

But now?

The Presidential seal is actually a Massengills trademark.

The Incredible Shrinking President was always a vicious rodent. But now he's like some kind of retarded mole, infected with The Rage. They keep him underground and out of sight. The sun hardly ever shines on him. But every now and then, he pops up, blinking, blind and stupid. He mouths some pipsqueak snarl and snaps his grotesque and broken, tiny teeth. And then everybody points and laughs at him, before he dives head first back into the dirt and worms his way back underground to his palatial subterranean bourbon bunker--code named "Crawford".

The Worst President Evah is gone. He's done. He's a fucking joke at a funeral--embarrassing and regrettable, but ultimately irrelevant. All that's left are the memories and the--hey, thanks fiscal conservatives!--extra five trillion dollars of debt. What's left to blog about?

Hockey moms??? Hey, real hockey players don't have moms. They grow like bacteria in spittoons mopped up from the DNA their drunken, asshole, brawling fathers left as bloody spittle on some bar room floor.

Just kidding!

But what? Blog that the modern Gee Oh Pee, which giggled and celebrated Roger Stone creating an anti Hillary 527 called Citizens United Not Timid(CUNT, if you're slow, or voted for Bush twice), wet their diapers over the misogynistic low blow of...well, saying anything about Sarah Palin?

Blog that the ol' straight talkin' maverick is about as genuine and serious as the ol' Straight Shooter himself?

Blog that our political press blows? That if the only thing they'd like to write about is "he said, she said" and sex scandals, they'd be doing their country a service to just go ahead and get that job with Entertainment Tonight? That the sorry truth is our political reporting won't ever get any better because the people who do it just aren't that bright.

It's not that they ignore the issues, the poor things. They just don't understand them.

Blog that it would be insane if our country, after eight years of disastrous Republican government, with a Republican president for eight years, a Republican House for six years, a Republican Senate for four years, and a Republican Supreme Court for eight years, would vote for change by electing...a Republican president?

I guess I could blog about that stuff. Now that I look at it from my perspective, I have to admit, it seems like pretty fucking fertile blogging ground! But frankly, there's a lot of people who are beating this stuff senseless, much better than I ever could.

And, frankly, it's starting to look like the American people care just as much about what they're writing as they did about what I was writing, which is to say--President McCain, muthafuckers!

And he's certain to be a full blown nightmare. And he's got a good chance of retiring early, if you get my drift. Which will leave the Greatest Country in the history of the world governed by the fucking mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

Read it again. Let it soak in. Recoil in horror. Because that's all it is. That's exactly what the same brain-dead douchebags who brought us George W. Bush are trying to do to us--put the dumbass mayor of Wasilla, Alaska in the White House.

Which is funny, in a way, since that would mean that the Gee Oh Pee would be responsible for the first purely socialist President in the history of our country--I mean, after all, Mayor Palin is from the People's Republic of Alaska.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell announced Friday that every eligible man, woman and child will receive $2,069, thanks to this year's annual payment from the state's oil royalty program. On top of that, the checks will include an additional $1,200 from the state treasury to help offset soaring fuel prices.

The one-time energy boost was proposed by Gov. Sarah Palin in May and approved by state lawmakers last month. Palin has since been tapped as the running mate of Republican presidential nominee John McCain. It fell to Parnell to make Friday's announcement on the dividend because Palin is out of state.

"The royalty dollars that flow through the state are the people's wealth," said Parnell. "The $1,200 resource rebate goes to that philosophy."

The "people's wealth"??? Holy Christ! Chairman Mao couldn't have said it better! Could you imagine if the people of California demanded a royalty check from Hollywood's revenue because it was the people's wealth??? Can you imagine if the people of Maine demanded a royalty on every lobster because it was the people's wealth??? How about coal from West Virginia? Lumber from Oregon and Washington?

Don't get me wrong! I'm not opposed to it--it is our wealth. It just cracks me up that the people who are most opposed--sometimes violently opposed--to socialism are the very same people who are going to put the first pure socialist in the White House.

And she's going to get there by campaigning against the evils of socialism.

So who could blog about this stuff? You'd have to be obsessive. This shit would have to be driving you out of your mind.

(But thank you Joan, and Tonya, and Pam, and Donna!)

Comments

[elkit]

Welcome back. Damn, I missed you!

[Tonya]

So very glad to see you back! I was getting weary of Peanut's mournful howls.

[Margaret]

The whole McCain campaign is so farcical as to be almost funny, in a tragic I'm-scared-shitless kind of a way. Welcome back!!

[ricky]

First of all, Peanut will be mine. I don't know how glad you'll be, Tonya, when I dognap the cutest sausage to ever walk on four legs.

Second of all, Elkit! Margaret! If Cookie and Ellen show up, it'll not only be like a Bottle of Blog reunion--it'll be a full blown girl frenzy in my comment section!

Which, as you know, I live for.

[Karen]

Glad you're not dead.

[ricky]

And Karen! How could I possibly forget Karen, who absolutely refuses to rate a movie on Netflix?

[merrick]

Really glad you're still there. Please write more. Those of us outside the USA need the voices that remind us that there is an intelligent, humane America, and that it finds the American government as terrifying and astonishing as we do.

[Janis]

Did someone say "full blown girl frenzy"?

So glad to see you back at it, Ricky!

[ricky]

Thanks, Janis! How could I leave you out?

How are those itty, bitty donkeys?

[Janis]

The teeny tiny donks are enjoying cooler weather and are starting to sprout shaggy bangs (with shaggy coat to follow) in anticipation of winter. Man, I am so overdue for an update, but then again, we're not having a fan club reunion over at my place.

[Karen]

I say this to you now: If Obama/Biden can pull this thing off, I will go back through my Netflix history and provide ratings for all the movies I've seen. And don't be thinking I'll try to back out of it somehow.

[KitE]

I'd dropped my mournful clicking of your link down to semi-weekly; looks like my patience has been rewarded!

[pam]

Sorry I'm late to the Bottle of Blog full-blown girl frenzy! Ricky, I'd grown despondent, looking at the March 17th post all these months. Every time Henry Waxman is mentioned in the news, I mentally add the phrase "Greatest American Congressman" with red, white and blue letters. Kindly do not stay away so long this time.

[ricky]

The Bean Counters are here!

Now we Girl Frenzy efficiently!

And to the taxpayer, that means more frenzy per girl. And that's just good sense. Though, really, a good girl frenzy will leave you pretty much senseless.

Fuck the taxpayers! Let's frenzy!

[cookie]

OMG, Ricky's back!!!!!!!

Ya know, I was thinking this morning that Katie Couric was way to nice saying about Palin that she's "not always responsive when asked questions, and sometimes does slip back to her talking points."

It would be nice to have someone say it like is without sugar coating it. I mean why the heck does the traditional media feel like they have to be all pussy-footed about it. They need to tell us just how worthless and ignorant and non-vice-presidential she really is and how she's better suited for porn that politics, right?

Then I got all nostalgic for BoB and came over there to see if you were back.... and YAY!!!!!!!

I missed you so, so, so, so much. I tried some of those other blogs, but they just gave me gas.

Nothing compares to you Ricky.

[Donna]

1.NOBODY does it better than you Ricky.
2. Sorry you had to come pick me up but I've been busy having a granddaughter. Add Isla to the frenzy!
3. Screw work, I'm spending the rest of Friday celebrating your return!

[ricky]

Donna and Cookie! One more, and my frenzy is complete! Where's Ellen?

If Ellen shows up NASA scientists are going to start picking up Girl Frenzy seismic readings from space.

[ellen]

The girl frenzy is complete!!! There are rumblings from "outa space" (Just quoting Palin.)

[ellen]

The girl frenzy is complete!!! There are rumblins from "outa space" (Just quoting Palin.)

[ellen]

(Just had to get the accent right)

[ricky]

It's a Girl Frenzy and an Ellen Frenzy!

This has never happened before in the history of the internets.