BottleOfBlog

America's Biggest Welfare Daddy Mocks Big Gubment Loooooosers!

MEREDITH, N.H. - Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani on Monday accused Democrats of favoring a controlling "nanny government" as he continued his bashing of the rival party…

Last week, Giuliani called the Democrats the "party of losers" and singled out Edwards and Democratic Sen. Barack Obama for criticism on economics and foreign policy.

Giuliani argued that he favors less government and lower taxes.

"That's what makes America great, not this nanny government that Democrats want to give us, where government controls your entire life," he said.

Wow! That’s some tough talk. And even though America’s Mayor just called the majority of Americans losers, I’m sure he won’t be roundly criticized by the liberal media for rabid partisanship or undue incivility.

Because he’s just so darn manly!

Unlike those girly Democrats, who want a wet nurse for President instead of a scary daddy Chris Matthews could imagine getting spanked by.

Over and over, and over again…

No, Democrats are such losers they want a government that controls their whole lives! They want a government that gives them a job, and pays for their healthcare, looks out for their well-being, and provides for them in their old age. And they want the taxpayers to pick up the tab for it all!

And people like that make Rudy Giuliani sick.

Looooooooosers! Says Giuliani. Because a winner and a real man doesn’t need the government to provide him his livlihood, or his health care, or his retirement. A real man would never ask the taxpayers to foot the bill for his entire life!

Instead, we should all follow Rudy's example:

Upon graduation, Rudy Giuliani clerked for Judge Lloyd MacMahon, United States District Judge for the Southern District of New York. In 1970, Giuliani joined the office of the U.S. Attorney. At age 29, he was named Chief of the Narcotics Unit and rose to serve as executive US Attorney. In 1975, Giuliani was recruited to Washington, D.C., where he was named Associate Deputy Attorney General and chief of staff to the Deputy Attorney General. From 1977 to 1981, Giuliani returned to New York to practice law at Patterson, Belknap, Webb and Tyler.

In 1981, Giuliani was named Associate Attorney General, the third highest position in the Department of Justice. As Associate Attorney General, Giuliani supervised all of the US Attorney Offices' Federal law enforcement agencies, the Bureau of Corrections, the Drug Enforcement Agency, and the US Marshals.

In 1983, Giuliani was appointed US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, where he spearheaded the effort to jail drug dealers, fight organized crime, break the web of corruption in government, and prosecute white-collar criminals. Few US Attorneys in history can match his record of 4,152 convictions with only 25 reversals.

Wait! There's more:

In 1989, Giuliani entered the race for mayor of New York City as a candidate of the Republican and Liberal parties, losing by the closest margin in City history. However in 1993, his campaign focusing on quality of life, crime, business and education made him the 107th Mayor of the City of New York. In 1997 he was re-elected by a wide margin, carrying four out of New York City's five boroughs.

See? That's how a winner does it! He graduates from college and then spends sixteen out of the next twenty years of his life working a job provided by the federal government, which also provided him with extremely generous taxpayer funded health care and a pension for his old age.

Then, in 1989, he left federal government service to boldly strike out on his own...in city government service!

True, he didn't get the government job he so desperately wanted in 1989, and was, instead, forced to trade in on all his government provided contacts and accept a lowly starting position with a law firm...as a partner.

But man's man that he is, in 1992, he jumped right back on that horse--the one he calls "Nanny"--and once again got himself a government job and government provided healthcare for the next eight years. He probably got himself a second pension, so that the government could take care of him in his old age.

But, after eight more years, slaving away for an all controlling nanny government that had controlled his salary, his healthcare, his retirement, and provided him with a home for both his wife and his girlfriend, Rudy had had enough!

In an interview taped Tuesday with CBS and broadcast Wednesday on 60 Minutes 2, Giuliani was more straightforward about his desire to continue as mayor past December 31, when his term ends.

"I am open to the idea of doing it," he said.

Unfortunately, the People of New York City--the majority of whom are looooooosers--were not.

And so Rudy for the third time in thirty two years, would have to actually have to get a job not provided by the government. What to do? What could a fiercly independent, big government disdaining, self made man like Giuliani do?

Well, he could run for the Senate!

Too bad that third marriage and the Farmersville Garbage Scandal screwed that up.

But for a macho winner like Giuliani, who's always looking for ways to have government play a smaller role in people's lives, there's always a taxpayer subsidized silver government lining to every taxpaying voter cloud.

Rudy boldly strode off into the private sector and made himself a multimillionaire...on government contracts!

On Dec. 7, 2001, nearly three months after the terrorist attack that had made him a national hero and a little over three weeks before he would leave office, New York Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani took the first official step toward making himself rich.

The letter he dispatched to the city Conflicts of Interest Board that day asked permission to begin forming a consulting firm with three members of his outgoing administration. The company, Giuliani said, would provide "management consulting service to governments and business" and would seek out partners for a "wide-range of possible business, management and financial services" projects…

Famously loyal, Giuliani chose as his partners longtime associates, including a former police commissioner later convicted of corruption, a former FBI executive who admitted taking artifacts from Ground Zero and a former Roman Catholic priest accused of covering up sexual abuse in the church.

Giuliani, grounded in the intricately connected world of New York politics, has been more than adept at making the system work for his clients. They have included a pharmaceutical company that, with Giuliani's help, resolved a lengthy Drug Enforcement Administration investigation with only a fine; a confessed drug smuggler who hired Giuliani to ensure his security company could do business with the federal government; and the horse racing industry, eager to recover public confidence after a betting scandal.

And, now, after an entire lifetime of making a living off of federal and city governments, Rudy is once again looking for a government provided job, with government provided healthcare, and a generous government provided pension to care for him in his old age.

Did I mention that the "nanny" federal government also kept Rudy safe and secure and out of service in Viet Nam because he was performing the "essential" war time job of clerking for a federal district judge?

In 1969, MacMahon wrote a letter to Giuliani's draft board, asking that he be reclassified as 2-A, civilian occupation deferment, because Giuliani, who was a law clerk for MacMahon, was an essential employee. The deferment was granted.

And now he mocks the looooooosers who want government to actually work for the people who pay for it? Instead of jerks like him who have made an entire lifetime out of sucking on the government tit?

In the last forty years, Rudy Giuliani, by himself, has benefitted more from the federal government than my entire extended family has in one hundred and fifty years.

In fact, there is very nearly no one alive in this country today who has been better taken care of for an entire lifetime by the government than Rudy Giuliani.

Except maybe Dick Cheney.

But he hates big government, too.

The Importance Of The First Ass

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon, the White House said Monday…

The growths, called polyps, were found during a routine cancer scan that Bush underwent Saturday at the Camp David presidential retreat.

Later that afternoon, Bush was quickly back to normal activities. He played with his dogs, rode his bike for more than an hour around the presidential compound in the mountains of western Maryland, and got informal briefings from his top aides.

Well, that sounds pretty promising. But, this administration hasn't been exactly truthful with the American public.

Myself, I won't be sure he's okay until I see him again on the Tee Vee.

If he sounds like he's got his head up his ass, then I'll know he's back to normal.

Just When He Had Him All Broken In

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Doctors removed five small polyps from President Bush's colon on Saturday, and "none appeared worrisome," a White House spokesman said.

Five, huh?

Think they were in the exact shape of Cheney’s knuckles, or what?

Thanks And Goodnight!

You've been a wonderful occupied country!

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki shrugged off U.S. doubts of his government's military and political progress Saturday, saying Iraqi forces are capable and American troops can leave "anytime they want."

If Bush keeps us there one more month, this is no less than a hostage situatuation, with a hundred and fifty thousand American troops in blindfolds kneeling in the bank vault.

Okay, I'm Finally Sold

I never really got on the big Impeach Bush train. Mainly because it takes a lot of time, and stirs up a whole bunch of bullshit, and the very word will immediately cause our entire Washington Press corps to become extra stupid retarded.

Until the end of time, if anyone even whispers the word "impeachment", The People of the Great United States are going to be subjected to a monsoon like dumbfest from their liberal media about the grave Constitutional implications of Bill Clinton getting blown. On his spare time. In his home.

Between that, and a year or two of Bush, with a hostile Democratic Congress, I was all for running out the clock. Not anymore.

WASHINGTON -- President Bush on Thursday sought to put to rest the controversy over his decision to spare a top former White House official from going to jail, saying it was time to move on. He also called on the nation and skeptical lawmakers to stand with him on Iraq, despite a new report showing only mixed progress.

"There's war fatigue in America. It's affecting our psychology. I understand that. It's an ugly war," Bush said…

What is this pinhead talking about? There’s no war fatigue in America. Why would we be fatigued? Ninety nine percent of us haven’t been affected by the war at all. We got tax cuts. And war porn. A good thirty percent of us would like to start another war with Iran.

We haven’t seen the real ugliness. We can’t even see pictures of our own dead, never mind the tens of thousands of Iraqis. And Bush put the whole thing on our national credit card. We haven't even seen the bill yet.

We don’t have war fatigue.

We have Bush fatigue. It’s an ugly presidency, leaving horrific scars on the most perfect form of government man ever conceived. And over sixty percent of Americans just want it to end.

But it won’t. It goes on. And on. For no conceivable purpose other than to see just how bad it can get. It’s gone beyond stupid. The days of mere dishonesty are only a vague and pleasant memory. When this addled brained, garbled mouthed joke of a President speaks now, even Americans who despise this man feel a certain amount of nostalgia for the days when this administration was only appallingly incompetent.

The president also said that, while al-Qaida remains a threat to the United States, it has been hurt by his war on terrorism and is "weaker today than they would have been" otherwise. He spoke as a new U.S. threat assessment found that al Qaida had rebuilt its capability to mount attacks to levels not seen since 2001.

Now? Only the dead-enders can’t seem to accept that we have a dangerously delusional and reflexive liar in our White House.

And this small, dumb, incompetent jerk insults The People and the history of The Great United States every time he opens his smirk hole.

He questions our courage. He questions our will. He questions our motives. This C student, who has failed at every single thing he’s ever done in his life, who has committed the worst diplomatic and strategic blunder in the history of our nation, who has turned a two hundred and thirty billion dollar surplus into two trillion dollars worth of debt, who reads like nine biographies of George Washington every year because he’s too ignorant to figure out that the only biography he should be reading is of Lyndon Johnson, this mental munchkin can’t stop questioning our intelligence.

Bush acknowledged publicly for the first time that someone in his administration leaked her name to the news media. "And, you know, I've often thought about what would have happened had that person come forth and said, `I did it.' Would we have had this, you know, endless hours of investigation and a lot of money being spent on this matter?"

Yes, Bush has often wondered what he would have done if someone had just come forward and admitted that they purposefully compromised our national security by revealing the identity of one of our covert agents who spent a career trying to prevent the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.

Bush wonders about it a lot. He thinks hard on it. He reads endless biographies of George Washington for some sort of guidance on what he, George Bush, would have done if only he had known who spoke to reporters about Valery Plame being a CIA agent.

And, yet, neither history nor the Sweet Baby Jesus has revealed to Bush what he might have done, had he known who discussed Valery Plame with reporters.

So, to this day, it’s a mystery to Bush. And he still wonders what he might have done.

The president had initially said he would fire anyone in his administration found to have publicly disclosed Plame's identity.

D’oh!

Several Bush administration officials revealed Plame's identity. White House political adviser Karl Rove and Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage were the primary sources for a 2003 newspaper article outing Plame. Former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer also admitted telling reporters about her. And jurors apparently believed prosecutors who said Libby discussed Plame with reporters from the New York Times and Time magazine. Libby was the only one charged in the matter.

That’s right. Libby, Rove, Armitage, and Fleischer all discussed Plame with reporters. Libby said he did so at Dick Cheney’s direction.

And Bush never fired any of them. Not one. Cheney and Rove are still working for him. Even though they did it. Even though Bush knows they did it. Even though Bush said he would fire any one who did it.

And Bush has the utter contempt for the American People to get on television and lament the money and time wasted on convicting Libby, money and time which could have been saved if Bush had known who leaked Plame’s identity and he had been able to take resolute action.

Even though Bush knows who leaked Plame’s identity and he has never taken any action. Except to commute Libby’s sentence.

Would we, as Bush wonders, have had to spend millions of dollars and endless hours investigating and trying the Plame matter if Bush had done what he said he would have done?

No. Absolutely not.

Basically, Bush is saying: “Once again, I just needlessly cost the American People millions of dollars. And I wonder if that time and money couldn’t have been saved if partisan politics had not gotten in the way of me not doing what I very clearly said I would do. So that’s a shame.”

Bush insults each and every one of us every time he opens his mouth.

He thinks you’re stupid. He thinks you’re weak. And he thinks you’re too timid to bet All or Nuthin’.

The only people Bush has more contempt for than the sixty something percent who want him out of office are the thirty percent who still approve of him.

He thinks those people are such mindless jellyfish, he doesn’t even try to convince them anymore.

Impeach this loser. Get him out. Do it now.

It's a matter of principle. The People of the Great United States--even the people who inexplicably voted for this jerk twice--can not tolerate this kind of disrespect from such an undistinguished, unimpressive, undereducated nobody.

We're much better, we're much stronger, we're much smarter, and we're much more courageous than this jerk could ever dream of being. The time for this asshole insulting the Great United States is at an end.

It's not even principle. It's a matter of national pride.

This Is All There Is

There is no more:

This is a very touching story about Bush's many weeks of agonized deliberation and careful thought about whether he should pardon Libby or commute his sentence. It is a portrait of a man wracked by the weight of presidential responsibility. It was, after all, among the most important decisions a leader ever makes. A man's life was at stake.

    Because the deliberations were so closely held, those who spoke about them agreed to do so only anonymously. But by several different accounts, Mr. Bush spent weeks thinking about the case against Mr. Libby and consulting closely with senior officials, including Joshua B. Bolten, the White House chief of staff; Fred F. Fielding, the White House counsel; and Dan Bartlett, Mr. Bush’s departing counselor.

    “They were digging deeply into the substance of the charges against him, and the defense for him,” one of the Republicans close to the White House said.

That's truly moving. The president dug deeply into the substance and consulted with many people to determine what the right and just thing to do would be. It's a tribute to his seriousness and his integrity

But it is just a teensy bit odd considering this

    During Bush's six years as governor 150 men and two women were executed in Texas—a record unmatched by any other governor in modern American history. Each time a person was sentenced to death, Bush received from his legal counsel a document summarizing the facts of the case, usually on the morning of the day scheduled for the execution, and was then briefed on those facts by his counsel; based on this information Bush allowed the execution to proceed in all cases but one. The first fifty-seven of these summaries were prepared by Gonzales, a Harvard-educated lawyer who went on to become the Texas secretary of state and a justice on the Texas supreme court. He is now the White House counsel.

    [...]

    Gonzales's summaries were Bush's primary source of information in deciding whether someone would live or die. Each is only three to seven pages long and generally consists of little more than a brief description of the crime, a paragraph or two on the defendant's personal background, and a condensed legal history. Although the summaries rarely make a recommendation for or against execution, many have a clear prosecutorial bias, and all seem to assume that if an appeals court rejected one or another of a defendant's claims, there is no conceivable rationale for the governor to revisit that claim. This assumption ignores one of the most basic reasons for clemency: the fact that the justice system makes mistakes.

    A close examination of the Gonzales memoranda suggests that Governor Bush frequently approved executions based on only the most cursory briefings on the issues in dispute. In fact, in these documents Gonzales repeatedly failed to apprise the governor of crucial issues in the cases at hand: ineffective counsel, conflict of interest, mitigating evidence, even actual evidence of innocence.

The little man who resides in the big White House is a deeply defective human being.  His character, his honesty, and his judgment are so questionable that it is actually frightening that The People of the Great United States have to endure this incompetent sociopath for another eighteen months.

Lawless

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush commuted Monday the prison term of former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, facing 30 months in prison after a federal court convicted him of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to investigators.

A commutation is distinct from a pardon, which is a complete eradication of a conviction record -- making it the same as if the person has never been convicted.

Bush has only commuted the jail term which means that the conviction remains on Libby's record and he must still pay a $250,000 fine…

In other words:  he's guilty as guilty can be of committing a whole handful of felony crimes, but that's no reason to send a good fellow to prison, is it?  These white collar types, they have an understandable terror of going to prison!

Apparently not enough to stop them from breaking the fucking law. But that's no reason to teach them a lesson!

In a written statement commuting the jail sentence, issued hours after Monday's ruling, Bush called the sentence "excessive," and suggested that Libby will pay a big enough price for his conviction.

Excessive.  So says the Gubner who signed Death Warrants like they were autographs.

What on Earth are we going to tell the children?

History Is Very Nearly Nothing But The Story Of Assholes

Amid the tumult, the president has sought refuge in history…

After reading Andrew Roberts's "A History of the English-Speaking Peoples Since 1900," Bush brought in the author and a dozen other scholars to talk about the lessons. "What can I learn from history?"

Much of the discussion focused on the nature of good and evil, a perennial theme for Bush, who casts the struggle against Islamic extremists in black-and-white terms. Michael Novak, a theologian who participated, said it was clear that Bush weathers his difficulties because he sees himself as doing the Lord's work.

His faith is very strong," said Novak, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute. "Faith is not enough by itself because there are a lot of people who have faith but weak hearts. But his faith is very strong. He seeks guidance, like every other president does, in prayer. And that means trying to be sure he's doing the right thing. And if you've got that set, all the criticism, it doesn't faze you very much. You're answering to God."

Here's something you can learn about history!

When you're President of the United States, a democratic Republic, you answer to The People.

When you lead a nation and answer only to God, you're a tyrant.  In a theocracy.

You're probably a little crazy, as well.

And a bunch of bad shit is sure to happen because of it.

Really.  History teaches us that.  You could look it up and everything.

The Worst History Major Evah!

At the nadir of his presidency, George W. Bush is looking for answers…

That’s great!  He should be looking for bin Laden—and he should have the time, since he gave up looking for Saddam’s awesome stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction in 2003.  But, at least, Incurious George wants to know something.

So that’s some progress.

Over sodas and sparkling water, he asks his questions: What is the nature of good and evil in the post-Sept. 11 world? What lessons does history have for a president facing the turmoil I'm facing? How will history judge what we've done? Why does the rest of the world seem to hate America? Or is it just me they hate?

Oh, Christ.

Save the sodas and the sparkling water, George, here are the answers you seek:

1. Same as it ever was.
2. Don’t create so much goddam turmoil when you’re President.
3. Badly.
4. Because it’s run by jackass.
5. Just you.

Hopefully, the Worst History Major Evah will use The Google on Al Gore’s internets because then he can find his answers a lot faster than from where he’s been looking:

He read three books last year on George Washington…

Who reads three books on George Washington in a single year?  What is he, researching his own book on George Washington?  What does he expect to find?  The Lost Prophesies of George Washington, the one where the Father of our country foretold an even greater George to come, one who the world and Americans would ridicule and despise but who history would redeem as The Abusive Drunken Stepfather of a Nation?

Not only that, but, apparently, Bush has been reading like two or three books on George Washington every year since 2005.

According to the Starr Report, Clinton was eating a pizza, getting a blowjob, and talking to a Senator about some piece of legislation all at the same time. 

That’s a President working for a living.  That’s a President earning his pension and his Secret Service detail.

With Cheney running the country, apparently Bush can’t think of anything more to do than pretend to read a George Washington biography every three months.

Hey, George!  Here’s the Cliff Notes:  the American Revolution was a land deal gone bad.  Also, Washington married a rich widow, just like John “The Gigolo” Kerry.

So now you can stop compulsively reading about George Washington.  You’ll only find out that wars are almost never struggles of Good against Evil and that Ann Coulter’s sole reason for being on this planet is to confuse people who know even less about history than you do.

Where else is the WHME looking for answers?

…and lately has been digging into "Troublesome Young Men," Lynne Olson's account of Conservative backbenchers who thrust Winston Churchill to power. Bush idolizes Churchill and keeps a bust of him in the Oval Office.

And what does Lynne Olson, author of “Troublesome Young Men”, have to teach Bush about Churchill?

I've spent a great deal of time thinking about Churchill while working on my book "Troublesome Young Men"…the more you understand the historical record, the more the parallels leap out -- but they're between Bush and Chamberlain, not Bush and Churchill.

Like Bush and unlike Churchill, Chamberlain came to office with almost no understanding of foreign affairs or experience in dealing with international leaders… He surrounded himself with like-minded advisers and refused to heed anyone who told him otherwise.

And Olson goes on to say, "Blah, blah, blah and like Chamberlain, Bush can expect a well deserved savage beat down from history.  Also, Karl Rove appears to be pretty dumb, too."

Really.  It says that.  You could look it up.

Here's what History teaches us, George:  the time to learn about it is before you start making it.

Anything else is just looking for excuses to justify doing something truly, truly stupid.

Funny

On the 19th, I'm nothing but ketchup.