Out With The Old Drunk, In With The New

President Bush makes a few remarks after visiting wounded soldiers at Brooke Army Medical Center, Sunday, Jan. 1, 2006, in San Antonio, Texas. President Bush is sporting a cut on the left side of his forehead from cutting down brush on his ranch. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

I laugh about it.

I like to kid about how, when I was in college, it wasn't unusual for me and my friends to cut and clear so much "brush" that, by the next day, we couldn't even remember where we cut that brush. 

Sometimes, we'd wind up, in the early hours of the morning, holding onto a toilet, just vomitting up all the "brush" we had "cut".  That's called "clearing" "brush", I guess.  Once, I "cut" so much "brush", I got stomped by a pair of giant Samoan bouncers outside the Allen Room on College Avenue.

Apparently, they preferred that I just "trim" the "brush" and not "cut" so much.  Fucking tree-huggers.

And me and my friends would get up the next day, after "cutting" and "clearing" so much "brush", and we'd literally stink of "brush".  No amount of toothpaste or mouthwash could get the taste of "brush" out of our mouths.

But that didn't stop us from going out again that night for a "bike ride"!

And, it goes without saying, we "rode" our "bikes" hard, sometimes even passing out from a long "bike" "ride".

I joke about it.

I like to point out that there are only two kinds of grownups in modern American life who show up in public with as many contusions, lacerations, and bruises on their faces on such a regular basis as George W. Bush:

1.  Prizefighters;  and

2.  Falling down drunks.

Though, to be fair, maybe rodeo clowns and women married to Bob Dornan do as well.

But I'm completely serious about it.  And anybody who just didn't wake up on Earth yesterday should be, too.

The dude is a serious boozer.  He hasn't given up shit.

Grown up people don't show up for work, Monday morning, all bloodied and bruised--what is this guy?  In Fight Club?  Grown-up people don't say "peeance, freeance" in public and not even notice that they just said it.  Grown up people don't disappear and retreat into seclusion at times of stress.  Only to reappear with, again, bruises, contusions, and lacerations on their faces.

You know who does?

Hardcore, falling down, howling alcoholics.

CRAWFORD, Tex., Dec. 31 - For six days, President Bush has stayed in nearly complete isolation on his ranch here - just mountain-biking and brush-clearing...

Six days of "brush-clearing" and "biking"?  It's like Fort Lauderdale in February!

And after all that?  Of course, he shows up all fucked up again.

Screw the National Enquirer.  If you don't want to believe them, don't.  I never do.  And I don't think anyone else should, either.  Instead, how about this:  believe your common sense and lifetime of experience on this planet.

Ask yourself:  how many times do I, as a grownup, show up for work after a vacation with a bunch of cuts and bruises on my head?  Ask yourself:  how many of my friends regularly show up, after a vacation, with lacerations and contusions on their face?

Ask yourself: how many grownups do I even see, in public, bloodied and bruised?

Ask yourself:  how many people--not just among those you know or have heard of--in the history of the world have physically hurt themselves on a fucking pretzel?  And that's not Michael Moore saying that.  That's Bush, himself!  He choked on a pretzel and wound up with a large bruise and a scrape on his left cheekbone, and a bruise on his lower lip.

A Sunday morning, your teenage kid shows up at the breakfast table looking like that, and you believe that sorry ass story?

Your Preznit shows up a couple of times a year all fucked up.  And always after a little trip out of the spot light of the White House.  He's a drunk.

The dude ain't only a drunk--he's a lousy, wildly out of control drunk. 

Shit, I don't even think this horrid aspect of the totally fraudulent Bush administration is funny anymore.  I mean, there are drunks and there are drunks. 

I've done some hard drinking in my life.  I've done some hard drinking with hard drinkers.  I went to an Irish Catholic highschool.  I tailgated at Penn State.  I bartended for years. 

I remember one bar I worked at, I used to unlock the doors early in the morning, every morning, to let in an Ivy League professor, before classes started, to pour him a shot of whiskey and a beer.  And his hands shook so badly, at nine o'clock in the morning, that he couldn't pick up the glasses.  He used to lower his face down to the bartop and suck up a little beer before he could down his shot.

But this guy?  When he gets alone, he gets dangerously drunk.  He hurts himself.  Often.  This guy hurts himself more than Bukowski when he's loaded.  Christ, he needs a freaking Gary Busey Helmet-Protector Protector.

And this is a guy who calls himself a "War President".  This is a guy who thinks God is talking to him.  This is a guy who thinks he decides what the law is.  This is a guy who thinks he has a mandate to fundamentally and unilaterally change our government, our society, and the world.

And he's such a yutz, putz and lousy, out of control boozer that he can't even take a long weekend without hurting himself.

Again, I used to laugh at what an obvious hard core alcoholic this dope is.  I wasn't laughing at what he's been doing to the United States of America or the world.  But I could still chuckle at what he does to himself.

I can't even laugh about that anymore.  Just looking at this pathetic bozo, they're now undoubtably one and the same.

Comments

[Mary - Minnesota]

Thanks Ricky, you have just got me started on a Bush family history search on google, as usual, you seem to be on to something here??

[Mary Florida]

I like to think Laura beat the hell out of him.

[Bruce]

What is it now? Five years in office and one year at Crawford, clearing brush. Is all of Texas covered in "brush" or what?

[aimai]

Oh. my. god. I LOVE this post.

Thanks for the reality check.

best
aimai

[cookie]

I think he wanted to show the folks at Brooke Army Medical Center that Presidenting is hard work, and he too is wounded.

I say give the man a purple heart for all that "brush clearing." As you can see by the frequent contusions on his face, it is hard work and very dangerous too.

[pam]

What I want is a satellite photo of that ranch. He's been clearing brush there for several years now. Just how much brush can one ranch grow? It's not like he reclaimed the property from the brink of total neglect. Or that there are no ranch hands. Does anybody else claim to witness this alleged brush-clearing?

[rimone]

what's worse is, i'm pretty sure he's mixing his booze w/his medications.

[Ellen]

He talks to God every time he's clearing brush.
Try this

[Michelle]

I feel really dumb...My husband is a tree-trimmer for crying out loud. He comes home covered in lacerations almost daily, but not on his face. Interesting. Oh yeah, clearing Texas brush frequently comes with the job...

[Neil Shakespeare]

Naw, I think it's just the cocaine. Although I suppose it's possible he's usin' the cocaine to cover up his drinkin'. Must have some pretty big Visine bills, I reckon. And Binaca. Of course, he bein' of the old school I suppose he might just use the old white bread trick.

[ricky]

That's right, Michelle. Your husband clears actual brush for a living. And he doesn't come home with his face all fucked up.

George W. Bush is the President of the United States for a living. Twice a year, he "clears brush" and shows up looking like he just got his ass kicked outside a bar.

I'll also say this: real people do cut and clear "brush" in states all over the country. Not just Texas. In Pennsylvania, in Iowa, in Oklahoma.

Where ever.

In Crawford?

Bush has zero animals. Not a cow. Not a horse. Not even a bunch of chickens.

What's he clearing brush for? Pasture land for Barney?

He's a sixty year old man, who holds a white collar job, and a couple of times a year he shows up in public looking like he just got his ass kicked.

Look at the pictures.

That ain't a "gentleman" rancher with some cuts and scrapes from fooling around on his dude ranch.

That's a sixty year old man, who spends a month or two on his fake ranch--remember, this is a guy who never in his life, before 1999, ever lived on a ranch--who shows up looking like someone beat him with a baseball bat.

Your husband does this shit for a living and he never looks like Bush after choking on a pretzel.

Bush, according to his handlers, "clears" brush on vacation and he always gets cut, bruised, and beat up.

What a joke. When is our "liberal" media going to say, "What the fuck really happens to this dude during his weeks of seclusion at Crawford?"

[cruelanimal]

Maybe he gets loaded and mistakes the compound's razor wire for brush.

Or maybe he's worried about the wimp factor that so dogged Poppy. Can't let those girlie-man whisperings get started. So, after clearing brush all day (with his teeth, apparently), he head-butts each fencepost all the way back to the ranch.

How can we know? Wait. Let's turn his own warrantless domestic surveillance on himself and read his thoughts:

"Ha!!! Let Reagan top that headbutting shit. He just sat around posing on those ready-for-the-glue-factory ponies. No smirk or swagger in that tired Bonanza flavored photo op."

"Me? I'm gonna start holding cabinent meetings while doing Jean-Claude Van Damme spilts on the big table. And every time I say '9-11', I'm gonna have Cheney taser me with his pacemaker."

"Then, I'm gonna ride my bike under the whole damn Atlantic Ocean, clearing seaweed as I go, get to France, tie that Eiffel Tower to my nipples, and pull that sucker down."

"I dunno. The big ole tower probably has some sharp edges. Hey, Harriet. Is our faces cuttin'?"

[Ellen]

On a serious note, Ricky, I have to agree with you. He's most likely a mean ornery drunk (and/or an obnoxious and totally goofy one), who probably does try to clear brush, when he's drunk. And everyone stays clear of him until he hurts himself and then the SS wrestle him to his special couch in the barn to sleep it off so Laura doesn't have to deal, and she stays heavily medicated to keep her plastic Stepford smile.
Just like you posted recently, I've been around enough addicts to know you can't just walk away from that disease by "seeing God's light". That's a bunch of shit. People need constant monitoring and support. Especially an arrogant son of a bitch like him.

By the way, I think in his delusions he does hear God talking to him. So do a lot of psychotics.

[trueleigh]

That picture is classic - all I keep thinking is "Beware - Beware the drunken Monkey!!"

[Neil Shakespeare]

Hey, I just had a thought vis-a-vis the brush clearing thing. Maybe he has a crucifixion complex like Mel Dipshit! Maybe he likes lacerating himself so he can experience the pain of the Saviour! Heck, maybe he wears a crown of thorns out there and has a couple of Marines nail him to a pile of cedar brush...

[Jerry]

Are you implying that the Chimp-in-Chief is a "brushoholic"? Guesss if he goes hunting it would be for wild turkey?

[Donna]

"brushoholic"! HaHaHaHa! You're so corny Jerry, you always make me laugh!

[Jerry]

Gave this some more thought. Bet he has been "cutting" brush: Jimson weed! He looks pretty much like a friend of mine after he drank some stinkweed tea, ran around Topanga all night, and then slept in a tub of deer antlers.

[Elisson]

We haven't even touched the Nose Candy issue, have we?

[Donna]

Hey! Isn't this a Sport's Blog? Where's Ricky's commentary on the big bowl games?

[Something Polish]

Tailgating at Penn State? A pseudo-Big Ten school? Pfffft.

Also, why are you so upset about this. As "Bad Santa," "The Simpsons" and others have shown us, alcoholism is hi-larious. Dum-dum falling down drunk and scarring himself? Funny. And I know [Teh] Funny.

[ricky]

A "pseudo-Big Ten school"?

Last time I checked, they just won the Big Ten.

And as for tailgating in University Park:

UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa., October 27, 2005 - A Penn State home football weekend tops the list of Sports Illustrated on Campus magazine's "102 More Things To Do Before Graduation," and Nittany Lion football coach Joe Paterno is on the cover of the October 27 issue.

SI on Campus not only named Penn State the nation's top college football gameday location, but calls Penn State home football games, "The Greatest Show In College Sports."

But that's just Sports Illustrated. What do they know about college football?

[Elayne Riggs]

My husband just asked an interesting question - if this is all due to his drinking binges, why aren't his handlers trying to hide it better?

[ricky]

Well, I'd say:

One: because they don't have to. After they got away with the ridiculous pretzel thing, and the original, equally ridiculous "cutting brush", I'm pretty sure they felt confident that they could always say Bush was "cutting brush" or "bike riding" and they would always get away with it.

Two: they do try to hide it. Bush is heavily made up in these pictures. He's got makeup over that gash and he's got makeup over his lip. They can only try to hide so much.

Three: even in the super secret Bush White House, there are all kinds of people who are not "part of the team". Cooks, secretaries, janitors, drivers, whatever.

You know, Linda Tripp worked in the Clinton White House and she hated the Clintons. There are all kinds of federal civil servants who can actually see the president, even if they never, ever even speak to him.

They see Bush all fucked up. They may not know how he got all fucked up, but they can see him looking, after a long weekend, like he got his ass kicked.

It's better to put the monkey in public with a quick excuse than to hide him, with no excuse, leaving people out there knowing he doesn't have the flu or something, but, rather, that he's got huge bruises and cuts all over his face.

You can keep a closed door policy secret in the White House. But, in the White House, Camp David, even the phoney baloney ranch, keeping a physically obvious thing secret is probably not as easy.

Also, sometimes, like with the "pretzel", Bush fucks himself so badly he actually has to go see a doctor.

How you gonna hide that?

[julia]

My husband is a forester, and for the first four years that we were married, he was busy xeriscaping our local parks (which is to say removing non-native invasives, frequently non-native invasives with lots of thorns).

He didn't come home with a banged-up face.

He did come home almost always with a really, really deep sunburn.

And we live considerably north of Texas.