BottleOfBlog

Y'all Reckon He's Fixing On Finding Jesus?

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Tennessee quarterback Jim Bob Cooter was suspended indefinitely Monday after campus police arrested him on a drunken-driving charge.

You just know it's UT football when your quarterback is named "Jim Bob Cooter".

You Call That A Threat?

Meyer threatens his running backs

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- Florida coach Urban Meyer threatened Tuesday to play without a running back if someone doesn't step up at the position.

You can tell Urban is new and out of Utah.  In Florida, college football players don't consider something a "threat" unless you actually use a gun.

How Happy Am I, Part II

Good God, at long last, I'm actually, finally watching college football on TV again.  It's only South Carolina, but any port in a storm.

I'm giddy.

Top The World, Ma!

American Super Hero, Ed Viesturs, Towering Above Mere Mortals

SEATTLE - A Seattle man has become the first American to climb all 14 of the world’s 8,000-meter peaks, an 18-year adventure that culminated Thursday on the summit of Nepal’s 26,545-foot Annapurna.

Ed Viesturs, 46, who has climbed the world’s highest peak, 29,035-foot Mount Everest, six times, reached the summit along with three Italian climbers whose names were not immediately available, according to an e-mail from his wife, Paula…

A veterinarian by training, Viesturs attained all 14 summits without the use of supplemental oxygen. “I climb without bottled oxygen, even if it keeps me from reaching the summit,” he wrote on his Web site. “My personal goal is to see how I can perform, to experience the mountain as it is without reducing it to my level. For me, how I reach the top is more important than whether I do.”

And little American kids trade baseball cards?  They think Barry Bonds is a hero???

Shit, Ed Viesturs climbs without oxygen in fucking outer space. Barry Bonds?  Barry Bonds can't even play the outfield at sea level in California without mainlining bull sperm directly into his heart. 

I'd like to see Barry Bonds play in a stadium that killed one out of every three guys who tried to round the bases.

No, really.  I would.  I'd be a season ticket holder for that.

Greased Molasses!

Clarett made several miscalculations at the recent combine and hopes to rectify those at his private workout. He had originally bulked up to impress the scouts that week, but was too heavy, and, after a crash diet, ran disappointing times of 4.82 and then 4.72. After his poor 40 times, he refused to partake in any more workouts, to the dismay of NFL coaches and general managers. He's projected now as a sixth- or seventh-round pick, if he's drafted at all, and that's why his next workout is of dire importance. He is already back in training, with a speed coach, in Southern California.

Jesus Christ, no wonder Clarett thought he was ready for the NFL after half a season at Ohio State! No wonder he had such a big head and a bad attitude! When you're that fast at tailback, the state of Ohio is too small to contain you! Just running for the bathroom, you might wind up in Oregon!

A 4.8 in the forty??? What’s he hoping to play in the NFL, an offensive lineman?

Shit! If he gets any faster, heck, he might even be able to catch my sister! Course, my sister just had a baby, so she’s lost a step or two…

What a jerk.

Bonds Just Sick Of These Ridiculous Steroid Questions

Feb. 23, 2005 - Defiant and all over the map, Barry Bonds dodged the steroids topic as much as he could and instead took shots at Jose Canseco and the entire media contingent…

"You guys are like re-running stories," Bonds said to more than 100 reporters in attendance. "This is old stuff. It's like watching 'Sanford and Son.' It's almost comical, basically. ... Are you guys jealous, upset, disappointed, what?"

Well, Barry, it might be like watching "Sanford and Son". Except maybe I missed that episode where the size and shape of Lamont’s skull actually changed. Or the one where Rollo packed on thirty pounds of muscle in six weeks.

Bonds said the key to his continued success and strength, even in the later years of his career, has been "hard work, that's about it."

Hmmm. Hard work, huh?

Human Sized Bonds not working hard.

Garbage Dumpster Sized Bonds working hard.

Weird. Because, as we all know, Bonds previously attributed his massive late thirties growth spurt to broccoli intake.

Left Side: Not Enough Broccoli!
Right Side: Just Enough Broccoli.

Maybe it’s just a matter of asking Barry the right question.

Hey, Barry, just exactly what exercise is it that bulks up your skull? What’s that work out plan called?

Cranercize? What do you do, some skull flies? Barry, how much have you been benching with your eyebrows?

Great athletes are often icons of the times in which they live. Surely, Barry is the athlete of the Bush years--a great big, whining, petulant, smirking, cheating bullshitter.

Halftime Show Totally Sucked Again

For once, I watched the stupid thing and McCartney didn't show any tit at all.

Thanks a lot, values voters!

Here's to an America totally blowing! Again, I look forward to next year's halftime Bhurka Extravaganza!

Maybe Phil Collins could sing "Invisible Touch" for twenty minutes or something.

Bush's 2nd Term America To Suck As Much As Bush's 1st Term America

Unless you’re from New England. Which I am. Though, I’m also from Pittsburgh. I lived there for a little while. Have a lot of family there. And I’m a huge Steelers fan. And I have a 90 year old grandfather who would have loved to see one more Steelers Super Bowl.

But, beyond that, how long, I ask you, how long, as a Penn Stater, does one man have to be menaced by Tom Brady???

I mean, twenty to nothing, Michigan beat us in 1999, folks. And that was when Penn State didn’t suck. We had LaVar Arrington, for God’s sake. And Courtney Brown.

Put your money on New England, Eagles fans. Don’t kid yourselves.

For a guy who can’t throw and can’t run? Brady’s a fucking nightmare.

George Bush's America Stops Sucking For One Brief Excruciating Moment

PITTSBURGH , Jan. 15 - Finally undone by the opportunistic brand of football that had led so often to success in their surprising season, the Jets fell to the Pittsburgh Steelers, 20-17, in overtime Saturday in an American Football Conference playoff game.

But, even at that, it took overtime and a pair of crippling heart attacks.

Way to go Steelers!

Now, someone call 911. Thanks.

At Least PSU Has A Hundred And Twelve Year Old Coach

Christ, Michigan sucks. Last year, they got pushed around like sleepy kittens by USC. This year, they couldn't manage to tackle a quarterback. Are they trying to set a record for losing the Rose Bowl or something?

Freaking Lloyd Carr does less with more talent than any coach in college football.

If Lloyd Carr coached at Utah this year, not only would Utah not have gone undefeated, I'm not sure by this time in the season Utah would even be able to get eleven guys in the huddle with any kind of regularity.

Please God, let Joe Paterno stop coaching so Penn State can resume beating the stuffing out of lousy Michigan teams.

Also, I'd like to point out that the fantastic Penn State defense held the Iowa offense which rang up 30 points against Nick Saban's terrific LSU defense to six points.

Six.

And Joe, who doesn't have dick to do with the defense, couldn't beat Iowa.

Goodbye 2004, you nightmare year, you. Goodbye!