I got an email today, up in Heaven, where I got to go even though I'm a shameless heathen because God was so pleased with me for divining His will as early as late 2001 that all His creations should heap scorn and foul language upon George W. Bush and denounce him as a fraud, and a criminal, and an incompetent bumbling loser.
And God hates a loser. Go read the Old Testament, if you don't believe me. He fucking pummeled losers all through it.
Anyway, up in Heaven, I got this email, again, asking me where I've been. Which is very nice.
But the sad truth is: I'm dead. I died of a horrific case of Rose Bowl, which was aggravated by a recurring contract of Joe Paterno, which I had suffered from for years.
Anyway, in lieu of flowers, my family asks that you donate speedy cover corners and hard hitting safeties to the Penn State University in my memory.