Republicans Go Crazy For Their Flip Flopper In Cheif!
WASHINGTON - One day after President Bush vowed to reduce America's dependence on Middle East oil by cutting imports from there 75 percent by 2025, his energy secretary and national economic adviser said Wednesday that the president didn't mean it literally.
No, of course not! Why would anyone watching the State of the Union think that Bush was actually, literally suggesting that we embrace technologies which would replace seventy five percent of oil imports from the Middle East? After all, here's what he said:
Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. (Applause.) By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past.
How anybody could possibly mistake Bush's statement that our goal is "to replace more than 75% of our oil imports from the Middle East" with Bush literally intending to replace more than 75% of our oil imports from the Middle East is beyond me. I mean, it's ridiculous!
CNN Provides Metaphorical Context.
It's like Jonah and the whale, Noah and his ark, Adam marrying his rib--this is allegory, man. Bush, a man of tremendous vision and God-like qualities, is obviously trying to convey a greater truth than the mere literal words. Don't get hung up on the facts, here, folks. Bush is talking vision.
(Though, I should say, that thing about the Great Flood is completely literal. Otherwise, explain the Grand Canyon. Something like that doesn't get carved out in a mere five thousand years without a lot of water pressure. Just ask Bush's Park Service.)
It's like the WMDs. Bush didn't literally mean Saddam had Weapons of Mass Destruction. What Bush meant was: Saddam had no Weapons of Mass Destruction. And any guy, sitting on that much oil, with that much money, with that much time on his hands, and absolute power, who can't be bothered to make a couple of WMDs every now and then--well, he's gotta go.
That's what Bush meant.
What the president meant, they said in a conference call with reporters, was that alternative fuels could displace an amount of oil imports equivalent to most of what America is expected to import from the Middle East in 2025.
But America still would import oil from the Middle East, because that's where the greatest oil supplies are.
Have we ever had a president who says stuff, on live TV, in prepared speeches, which have taken weeks or months to draft, by whole teams of speech writers, which have been reviewed by the National Security Advisor, the CIA, his cabinet, supposedly the Preznit, himself, who has needed to routinely have what he clearly said clarified by an army of surrogates after he says it?
These aren't some offhand comments the Preznit throws out to a gaggle of shouting reporters as he hustles to his limo in the rain--this is the State Of the Union address! They work on this thing for months. They write it, they re-write it, they rehearse it, they hype it weeks in advance.
Then the guy delivers it and a bunch of administration flunkies hit the airwaves, saying, "Look, it was just 16 little words--don't read too much into it. I think everybody knows what the President meant..."
Asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that "every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands." The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.
Yes, because when you work for the Lord Protector and his New Model Army, saying the wrong thing might get you killed. Or worse--blacklisted from easy money appearances as a Fox News pundit or phoney baloney jobs at right wing thinktanks.
Say the wrong thing, mister, and you could find yourself working for a living. In the private sector. And you don't want that. Those people actually expect results. Good ones, too.
And this has nothing to do with the Saudis leaning on Bush. That kind of talk is just crazy. That's the kind of crap fat Michael Moore would say, before being soundly denounced by the liberal media.
But this reminds me of something my good friend, Neil Shakespeare, once wrote. It had to do with the Preznit, a brilliant man, of vision and Godliness, and his burden of always having to say things in such a way that the stupid idiots, who are the American People, can unnerstan' 'em.
No, you idiots, when Bush says his goal is replacing 75% of Mid Eastern oil imports, he didn't mean that! You dumbasses! When Bush said Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, of course he wasn't talking about actual weapons of mass destruction, you retards! When Bush says Saddam has a bunch of terrorist allies, he doesn't literally mean Saddam and terrorists are allied, shit for brains!
When Bush says he's going to reduce the deficit, he's not talking about the deficit, you simple peasants!
When Bush says he's going to change the tone in Washington, he isn't talking about the tone, for Christ's sake! And he certainly doesn't think anyone is such an addled brained dunderhead to mistake him for talking about Washington!
What the fuck is wrong with you people???
Bush is talking about stuff that involves history, geo-politics, natural logarithms, paradigm shifts, quantum physics, the ontological omnipotence of God, and all those dozens of tiny, endless unexplained surcharges on your phone bill.
Bush is talking about stuff that you, with your pathetic little life, your lack of pedigree, and your pre-historic under-developed reptillian brain couldn't possibly fathom, as damn dumb as you are.
He's just trying to say it in a way you could unnerstan': Freedom is good; evil is bad. The law is not to walk on all fours. What is the law?
And that's how he can deliver a State of the Union address, telling you that Iraq is going swimmingly, the gubment is swell, he's working with Democrats, and nothing has ever been as good as it is today.
He doesn't mean it literally.