Too Sick To Blog, Too Ill To Stop

Sometime last week, I came down with a really horrendous case of the dreaded monkey pox.  I know you’re gasping and saying, “It can’t be monkey pox!  How can you be sure?”

And, indeed, others have suggested that I might just have had the flu or a pretty bad cold.  Just this Sunday night, each and every Republican in Congress, after watching the final horrible moments of the Steelers game, rushed back to Washington for a special session in which Bill Frist, after a lengthy and professional examination of my blog, gave his professional opinion that I was not suffering from monkey pox, but rather reaping the whirlwind for hating America, and then he recommended that everyone immediately contact their “blind trustee” and dump their Bottle Of Blog blogshares.

As much as I’m loathe to take issue with Bill Frist, who is not only a doctor and a man of integrity, but the begotten by good begetten peoples, I’m here to tell you, it was the fucking monkey pox.

And it was in my nose.

I was there.  I know.  I self diagnosed, much as our Preznit did with his alcoholism.  And, I self treated, much like our Preznit.  I can’t be certain, but I think my self treatment was much as our Preznit’s self treatment—I sought no professional help and just told everyone around me that, you know, it was fine.  It would clear up in a couple of days.  If I, and everyone I knew, just ignored it.

Also, I napped a lot.  Like twenty hours a day.

Sound familiar?

The Poor Man has a very funny post about the recent National Enquirer story about Bush drinking again.  It’s funny, but it ignores the inescapable truth about such stories:

There is no way Bush started drinking again. 

To start drinking "again" would require that he stopped drinking at some point.

As the Poor Man says, Bush sure falls down a lot for a guy who doesn't drink.  And, he does.  And, as I say, for a grownup, he sure gets his face banged up a lot.  In the last ten or fifteen years of my adult life, I’ve only ever shown up for work on a Monday morning once with bruises and cuts on my face, and that was after I broke my nose dancing at a Christmas party.

And guess what?  I was stupid drunk when it happened.

In my experience, there are only two kinds of grownups that get as many bruises and cuts on their faces as Bush on such a regular basis--prizefighters and falling down drunks.

Then there's also the unbelievable amount of time Bush needs to spend, secluded, on the ranch.  Where, coincidentily, he seems to get a lot of those bruises and cuts on his face from "clearing brush" and "bike riding". 

Though, some of his worst injuries have been from eating pretzels.  Sometimes, they're just bizarre.

Plus, look at that red nose.  What's he trying to do?  Guide Santa's sled?

And sometimes, Bush appears, at midday, in front of reporters, completely brain fogged, in the kind of way you might remember from college, when you showed up at that eight o’clock class after being out until five in the morning.  And you were showered and properly dressed, and looked like a normal human being, but when you opened up your mouth to speak, you, insanely said, “Peeance, freeance” and didn’t even notice that those sounds you were making were not words.

Because you were still so damn drunk.

And there's that nutty weird thing where Bush requires that all state functions end by nine o'clock because "he needs his sleep".  A more skeptical person might say that nine p.m. is about as late as a hardcore alcoholic can make it before he needs a damn drink.

So, no, sorry Enquirer readers, Bush has not started drinking again.  Bush never stopped drinking in the first place.  You'd have to be the most credulous moron in the world to think he did.  You'd have to be dumb enough to believe...I don't know...what?  That Bush won Florida in 2000.  That Saddam had an awesome stockpile of weapons of mass destruction!  That freedom is on the march in the new Islamic Republic of Iraq!  That cutting government revenue while increasing government spending is good, sound, conservative fiscal policy!  And saving you tax dollars!

So, that's just crazy.  It's a bunch of crazy shit.  And Americans have got to stop believing crazy shit.  Crazy shit has fucked up our government.  It's fucked up major league baseball.  And possibly worse than all that, it's fucked up Penn State football.

We, Americans, we're fat, we're lazy, and we're silly.  And that's fine.  It's almost endearing.  But let's not go down in history as the nation conceived just to prove P.T. Barnum right.

Though, that thing about the monkey pox.  That's true.  And you can just sleep that off.  Trust me on that one.

Comments

[cookie]

well I hope you're feeling better. We need you out there fighting eeeee-vil.

But you know, if you get a cape and some tights, and maybe some kind of interesting mask or headgear I think you could be a little more effective.

[Neil Shakespeare]

LOL! Great post, man! Thanks for the belly laugh.

[Ellen]

Hope you're up and fighting soon! Being sick is no fun.

[anan]

So it's true.
Absolut power corrupts absolut-ly.

[maryannagr]

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