You know, sometimes things happen and I just don’t blog about it. Everyday, things happen in the world—there are news stories about politics, sports, people, war, the weather. Sometimes I blog about it. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, these things are huge events and I don’t blog about it. Sometimes I have very strong opinions about things and I still don’t blog about it. Sometimes, these things are incredibly important events. And I don’t type a word.
And you know why?
Because I’m not a fucking newspaper.
Aside from my incredibly lucrative line of Ricky Speedos, I don’t get paid to blog. It’s not my job, and I feel no obligation whatsoever to keep people informed or to set the record straight. I just post things when I feel like it.
Although it costs me money to blog, I really do it to save money. I figure a couple hundred dollars a year for a blog is a hell of a lot cheaper than shooting my TV set two or three times a month.
So, the absence of a post by me, or a link to an article on a particular thing, doesn’t mean that I didn’t notice it. Or that I’m willfully ignoring it. Or even that I have no opinion on it.
It just means that either I didn’t have the time or the inclination to write anything about it. Or that everyone else has already beaten the subject to death. Or that the event speaks for itself.
I mean, what could I possibly add to Bob Denver dying? He was fucking Gilligan, man.
Res ipsa loquitur. And R.I.P.
And sometimes, I have so much to say about a particular thing, right or wrong, and it would take me so long to say it, that I just think to myself, “Aw, the hell with it. The Steelers kickoff at one.”
And I go drink some Rolling Rocks at a bar with a wide-screen TV.
But nothing really motivates me like a jackass. I mean, much as I’d rather not hear from the world wide community of underinformed, undereducated, over opioniated jackasses, I just find that nothing motivates me more to take the time to say, “Writing to me today was the smartest thing you’ve ever done, because now I am going to take the time to explain to you why you’re stupid.”
Without me, and millions of people like me, the dumbest people you’ve ever met would continue to live their lives under the bizarre impression that they know anything about what they’re constantly blathering on about.
For instance, some jackass wrote me this morning:
So, what? When they show some modest signs of improvement you have nothing to say? Typical liberal, never want to admit the positive points if it doesn't fit your case.
Now, normally, this is the kind of idiotic comment I’d just delete as a matter of policy. And boredom.
But this was so stupid, it was actually interesting to me. It was so dumb, when I read it, I wished I had a whole team of doctors, sociologists, anthropologists, mental health experts, highschool guidance councilors and Division I college football coaches on hand--like the virus hunters at the World Health Organization or the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, with their emergency bags packed, their passports updated, ready at a moments notice, to fly anywhere in the world--just to study how a person this dumb got into Penn State.
Because this chuckle-head wrote me from a PSU account.
And because it’s that dumb.
First of all, when it comes to college football, I am not a liberal.
When it comes to college football, I don’t believe that everyone should get to play, or that no one should keep score, just because it might make someone feel bad about themselves. I don’t think we should refrain from calling the team with less points “losers” for fear of stigmatizing them. I don’t deplore the violence.
I stand up and cheer for it.
In college football, I don’t believe in a well regulated, thoughtful redistribution of excess wealth. If you’re three deep at All American tailbacks and someone else has one clown running 4.8 in the forty, tough titty. You get the team you recruited.
In college football, I don’t believe in social security. Just because you worked for fifty years putting good teams on the field, doesn’t mean college football owes you a head coaching job into your eighties.
Particularly, and especially, if your last name is Paterno.
In college football, I don’t believe in an even playing field, diplomacy, debate, or oversight by non-partisan committees. Sometimes the calls go your way, sometimes they don’t. Instant replay is an abomination. And only cry babies like it.
And I can't prove this--it's all anecdotal--but it seems like every conservative I know can't shut up about the need for instant replay in every fucking sport in the world. It seems like they're always crying about how unfair that fumble call was, how unfair that pass interference call was, how their team would have won if it weren't for the unfairness of it all.
Shut up! You whining, bitchy babies. Christ, almighty, refs are like a bad hop on the infield--they're part of the game. Deal with them and stop crying! Nobody ever lost a game because the refs sucked.
Plenty of teams have lost games because they let games be so close a sucking ref could lose it for them. But no team ever lost a game because of the refs. In college football, for instance, sixty, seventy plays on offense, sixty, seventy plays on defense, and some whiny bitch will always say one call, out of a hundred and twenty plays, lost the game.
Never mind the other one hundred and fifty plays that could have made that call irrelevant.
But that's personal responsibility to conservatives--they always seem to forget about it when it comes to them.
And, finally, in college football, I believe in ruthless, heartless, social Darwinism. If you get the job done, you eat well, you get the breeding age females, and you live another year.
And if you don’t get the job done, someone else gnaws on your sun bleached bones.
You know why I have such harsh opinions on college football?
Because college football doesn’t matter.
I can afford to be a total dick about college football. Not only can I afford it, the entire United States can afford me being a heartless, cold, prick about college football. Not only that, the entire world can afford all of college football being total sadistic, bloodthirsty, greedy ignorant fools about college football.
Because it doesn't matter. Who cares? What difference does it make?
It’s like the crossword puzzle, or a game of chess, or building little ships in bottles.
If you do it well, you may enjoy it. It may give you a sense of satisfaction. It may even give you confidence to go out and do other things in life just as well.
On the other hand, the greatest miscarriages of justice in college football have never resulted in twenty million people being killed. The greatest successes in college football have never elevated or advanced mankind in any way.
So who cares? It's pinball, but I don't have to do anything.
So that “liberal” crack was just the kind of imbecilic, robotic response ditto-heads are programmed to spew out any time they hear something they don’t agree with—i.e., when the facts don’t comport with their preconceived notions of how the world works, accuse the liberal of emotionally ignoring facts…
But make sure you stay away from actual facts! That will fuck up your argument!
Because, when it comes to the “modest signs of improvement” I supposedly ignored, I’m sorry. I missed those. I was too busy watching the Penn State game to notice.
First, lets remember Penn State, the one time perennial top ten powerhouse Penn State, was playing Cincinnati. That’s right. Ohio State was playing Texas. Michigan was playing Notre Dame.
Penn State was grappling with the mighty Cincinnati Bear Cats. The ones who struggled valiantly to a 28-26 victory over East Michigan.
And Penn State beat them. Penn State beat them pretty handily. But Penn State is supposed to beat them. Penn State is supposed to blow them off the field. Penn State is supposed to have their second string in the game at the start of the third quarter.
That’s the way these joke games are supposed to work.
And, yet, at the start of the 3rd quarter? 14-3. Penn State. And it was a lot closer than indicated by the score. At the end of the first quarter, it was Penn State 7, Cincinnati 3. And Penn State only had seven, because their defense stepped up and picked off a pass at the Cincinnati 25.
What else did Penn State do in the first half? Hmmm.
Touchdown, interception, punt, punt, touchdown.
The final touchdown was PSU’s only long drive of the entire game. Eighty yards. And PSU needed 32 yards of penalties from Cincinnati to keep the drive alive.
Some pretty questionable penalties, as well.
Otherwise they would have punted at least twice.
Time of possession, at the end of the first half? Penn State eleven minutes. Cincinnati nineteen.
Were it not for PSU’s great defensive play—against Cincinnati—Penn State would have been losing that game.
Their offense was horrible. As bad as the week before. As bad as last year. They looked like a highschool team.
And, yes, in the second half, Penn State decided to throw the deep pass. And, yes, they have a couple of lightning fast freshman wideouts who made some big plays. And PSU put up some big numbers.
But I’m not sold. And I’m not ignoring facts.
The forty, or fifty yard bomb, while being fun as hell to watch, while yielding great results when it works, is really up there with a gimmick play. When it works, it’s great.
But it’s a low percentage play.
It worked really well against Cincinnati. I’d love to see it work as well against better teams, with better corners and better safeties. I’m not complaining. Though, I'm not betting on it, either.
What I’m saying is: where are the high percentage plays?
The ones that you can count on for four, five, six yards consistently? And the answer is: Penn State doesn’t have any.
Against Cincinnati, Penn State had two drives of more than six plays—and again, one required 32 yards of Cincinnati penalties. Penn State ran 59 plays to Cincinnati’s 83. Cincinnati had the ball for 35 minutes to PSU’s 25 minutes.
That ain’t going to beat Iowa, or Wisconsin, or Ohio State.
Was I happy they won? Of course! I’m a Nittany Lion. Did I get a kick out of the big bomb festival in the second half? Hell, yeah! Did I see any improvement over last week?
For reasons only known to the oldest coach in the history of mankind, they didn’t throw deep last week. So, who knows? Can they do it every week? We don’t know. Was it a fluke?
We don’t know.
Remember, Robinson, one game, in 2003, threw for like four hundred yards in a single game. But he still can’t consistenty hit a reciever six yards away. He still can’t consistently put together a long, time consuming drive with reliable plays.
Though, to be fair, he has shown some improvement. Against Southern Florida, Robinson fumbled twice, threw an interception, and bungled an option toss.
Against Cincinnati, Robinson only fumbled once, threw an interception and bungled an option toss. So there’s that.
How's that for facts, dipshit?
Facts? There are hardly any facts to think anything. It’s all anecdotal. Crumby opponents, uneven play. Play calling, randomly, out of a hat.
Improvement? I don’t really know where it was. If the Southern Florida game gruesomely reminded me of 2003's Temple game, than the Cincinnati game reminded me of last year’s Akron game.
Are there positive points? Maybe. I’m not really sure yet. And I certainly won’t be sure after this powder puff weekend. Am I unwilling to admit them? Hell, no. I just haven’t seen them yet.
Well, that’s not completely true. Morelli looked fantastic in the brief two or three minutes Joe finally let him play. But if that’s positive, it’s only positive for the future, because Joe is going to keep playing Robinson at quarterback no matter what.
As for my “case”, I’m a Penn State football fan, you blithering idiot, you. I have no "case".
What is it that you imagine my "liberal" agenda with Penn State football is? To see Michael Moore coach the team? That, like the senile Joe Paterno is beginning to think, I'm trying to use the "liberal media" to undermine the greatness of Penn State football?
Douchebag, I don't wait eight fucking months, follow highschool recruiting, watch every single game because I want to see something fail.
You're confusing me with the Republican Congress of the 1990's.
Win or lose, my only interest, as I wait all year long just for college football to roll around again, is to see some great football played at Beaver Stadium.
I’d rather see Penn State lose eleven great games, than win four or five lousy ones and look hopeless in six or seven other one. The only thing that’s kept me excited for Penn State has been their great defense, which plays their heart out no matter what the score.
It’s a pleasure to watch them. It’s a kick. And I’ve been saying it for the last two years.
But that won’t stop some turd from throwing out a mindless, pre-programmed cliché about liberals. Just because the facts don’t fit his preconceived notions about reality.
It’s been said by funnier, more astute liberals than me—it’s the Tinkerbell world view—just clap louder. Thinks aren’t going well because you’re not clapping loud enough!
It's the modern Republican party--clap louder or Tinkerbell wll die!
Stop saying, "Stay the course" just because someone is wearing a jersey you like. And you pay attention to the facts. Stop ignoring disasters that are impossible to ignore, just because of your preconceived notions of ultimate imaginary success.
Grow up. Learn something.
Two weeks. Penn State heads into the Big Ten. Talk about improvement when that happens. Until then, spend a little less time surfing the blogs on the internet, and a little more time in the library. Or at class.
That’ll help you from being so damn dumb.